A Monty Python take on the banking sector

Monty’s Python’s ‘dead parrot’ sketch fused with the banking sector, our re-edit and apologies to Monty Python fans:

Owner: We’re closing for lunch.

Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this bank what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue ... What’s, uh ... What’s wrong with it?

Customer: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. He’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, he’s uh ... he’s resting.

Customer: Look, matey, I know a dead bank when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner: No, no he’s not dead, he’s ... he’s resting! Remarkable bank, the Norwegian Blue, isn’t it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Customer: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Owner: No, no, no, no, no, no! It’s resting!

Customer: All right then, if he’s resting, I’ll wake him up!

Customer (shouting at the bank): ‘Ello, Mister Bobby Bank! I’ve got a lovely fresh customer for you if you show...

Owner (hitting the bank): There, he lent!

Customer: No, he didn’t, that was you pouring liquidity into the system with another LTRO!

Owner: I never!

Customer: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything ...

Customer (yelling and hitting the bank repeatedly): Hello Bobby!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

Customer (takes bank out of his portfolio and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor): Now that’s what I call a dead bank.

Owner: No, no ... No, he’s stunned! Customer: Stunned!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Customer: Um ... now look ... now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That bank is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of lending was due to it being tired following a prolonged Comprehensive Assessment.

Owner: Well, he’s ... he’s, ah ... probably pining for the fjords.

Customer: Pining for the fjords!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back! Remarkable bank, isn’t it, squire? Lovely plumage!

Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that bank when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it was sill solvent in the first place was that it had been heavily reliant on government support.

Owner: Well, of course it was on government support! If I hadn’t bailed that bank out, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent them apart with its oversized balance sheet, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Customer: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this bank wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! He’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner: No, no! He’s pining!

Customer: He’s not pining! He’s passed on! This bank is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn’t bailed him out he’d be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket! He’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! This is an ex-bank!